Wow

I am starting this blog to have someone to talk too that won’t spread rumours or question my actions.I need a place to vent and scream, to tell someone or something that no I’m not over it,it still hurts.This blog is my story teller,my truth and hopefully my first step to healing.Where I am from,how I became and who I am now.HOW DID I GET HERE SO QUICK? my body kept moving but my mind and emotions stayed back in the past.

post

GODS WORD!GREATNESS

The lord said I will not give you a burden beyond your shoulders

come to me when u are weary and I will give you rest

but I went to him when I was happy ,walked away when things got bad,but he kept his hand on me

he kept his eye on me through all the pain,the tears,the resentment and unforgivable hurt 

then I realised its not what they do that hurts me but rather my reaction to it.

Thought I was healing,really thought I was but turns out I was turning a blind eye,suppressing all the memories that hurt me

Lord knows its good to forget.

Now its all coming back and God still says I’m here trust me

bring it all unto me.

lately I have been dwelling into the word 

I made a mistake 

took all the preparation for curses

mistook the blessing for punishment

He said I know why I let it all happen

like Job Satan wanted to prove a point I allowed him to show him he can Neva have your soul

you didn’t fit into that clique or get things your way cz I had a purpose

and it was meant only for you

no one else was gonna handle the load I gave you,prove to Satan that you are mine,

no living thing or human can even begin to understand or comprehend the blessing I have for you

I know it hurt you then but it to be done

I know you didn’t understand it and you still struggling sometimes but

I had to position you for this blessing,

I had to prepare you for your end journey and the road ahead.

The Lord I’d good and I’m a work in progress

no word,no animal, no living or dead thing can change this blessing or could have changed my journey.

Lord you are awesome!

Stranger stood me up

Growing up we are taught to fear strangers,that they are bad with ill -intentions.

your loved ones would Neva hurt you they say,

put family 1st strangers ain’t gonna feed you or care for you.

so kept waiting for the stranger,

running from a man without a face

that I was told would break me.

The night he came he took my innocence with him,

he came and took away my pride 

robbed me of my joy

he ran off with my childhood,my zest for life and reason for being.

The stranger Neva came

waited and waited but he stood me up.

When he finally came,he was loved,cherished,trusted and cared for. Received the hospitality of a king,we let him in

like a vampire they come to suck u dry but don’t come in till they are welcomed in.

this was no stranger,he was family,trusted uncle who turned out to be a pervert.

kept running away from a stranger but unknowingly ran towards my worst nightmare,

I let him in cz he was a relative.

a woman’s heart is like an ocean full of secrets #titanic

This was my secret to bare

the stranger found a face in my uncle

It hurts to this day but as they say keep moving,lift your head up,its a family secret as though it was granmas old recipe

but wait recipes don’t hurt this much, they don’t drive you to almost suicidal thoughts,

they are nice, tasty and you keep going for more but this, this was disgusting,painful and more like the boogy man.

you know how the mothers and fathers family tolerate each other for your sake coz in reality one is mad at the other for one thing or the other.

well I was the thread that held them together and no matter what I could Neva say the stranger stood me up and uncle came in his place.

this ain’t a movie the are no happy endings

either u keep it or destroy it.

my strong face has gone and the nightmares have come to visit

12yrs later and he still visits my dreams

these are the secrets I keep.

The man I love and the uncle I trusted came in place of the stranger I ran from.

how do I heal from that

how do you get past that except thru prayer and support from my sisters.

So with this I say no I’m jot okay,I’m not over it,it still hurts but I’m healing slowly but surely.

Guess I kept moving,kept it locked like buried treasure,

My body kept moving but my mind was unaware it was time to move on,so today I’m freeing it and telling it time to live on,get on with it 

The stranger stood you up.

South Africa has become dangerous for woman its not strangers that hurt us but the Love we choose,our most trusted friends,family or neighbour. we let them in and they violate us and live us for dead with scars that bleed for what seems like a lifetime. Who protects us against the very men that should be protecting but instead haunt our dreams.guess this has been done for years but was kept a secret and now it has become more brutal as it takes our lives,robs our freedom. like thief’s in the night they come to take our joy and children’s innocent and live without a trace.

what has the world come too.

something needs to change.

This is my voice,let your voices be heard woman.

enough is enough

VALUE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY.

One cool evening mom introduced us to a man we had neva met or seen before then.At the time she travelled quiet a lot for community outreach projects,something to do with HIV as I recall but all that stopped when the stranger walked into our lives.Then suddenly we were moving in with him,still trying to figure out what his role would be in our lives cz for the longest time mom was both mom and dad and I was a curious teenager looking after my naughty lil sister.The following year he fell ill and to my surprise mom would go to work and I would look after him,no time for play,no time for boyfriends and basicly no time to be a teenager like my friends at first I resented both of them for forcing me to grow up too soon but soon adjusted and did as we were told.He recovered and started abusing mom.we would sit quietly in our room as he screamed at her from the end of the passage but she stayed until one faithful day we walked in and he was beating on her b4 I knew it I was in the middle of the fight.i am the proteƧtor after all.we begged her to walk away but she Neva did later that year to our discovery they were married without our knowledge not that our permission was ever required to begin with.Eventually the physical abuse stopped but the verbal has continued to this day which makes me wonder when is it enough? But guess she was taught to take it,the Lord doesn’t want divorce she says even at the expense of her sanity,didn’t understand all this until I was in a similar relationship engaged to be married to a man who isolated me from my friends, dispised half my family and ordered me around,i stayed and took it just as did mom. He cheated I stayed,had a miscarriage which he cared little about I stayed,till one night I remember it clearly went to visit him and he raped me,the man I love sexually abused, remember walking out at 2am after he was done to walk home which was an hour away(before uber times), he kept calling till I switched it off by Gods grace I got home safe,kept it to myself too scared to tell the cops coz he had a good lawyer, was good at manipulating situations and he was a pastor/preacher so I thought who will believe me.Neva thought of involving family coz you see I chose this man,painted him right and noble plus I knew all hell would break lose if they found out about all he had done to me and that right there was breaking point,that was enough. Had to walk out alive with my dignity still intact before he killed me.funny enough he denies Eva doing it to this day. I think I stayed he made me feel special,in a weired way filled the gap where my dad should have been( died when I was 4)but as soon as I realised he was doing more damage to an already low self-esteem my heart broke. No matter what you say to a woman who is in an abusive relationship you will Neva get her out until she decides her heart has had enough,that she is worth more than all the compliments, money,security and undignified love he can offer.TRUTH IS YOU CAN NEVA GET HER OUT UNTILL SHE IS WILLING TO WALK AND TAKE THE 1ST STEP.no matter how many times we talk about it at the end of the day our hearts make the final call.When she does walk out support is crucial not judgement but support,no questions just support.till today I pray she finds it in her to walk away.WOMEN KNOW YOUR WORTH.

Where it began

As I’m sure we all know everything starts somewhere.

My need to belong came from an absent parent,I thought maybe if I did everything right,if 1,2or 3 approved she would love me more,be here more,call me more or maybe even say I love u but boy was I wrong that moment Neva came. At a young age I moved around a lot  so I taught myself to value family above all,even above myself,swore to protect my sisters with all I am.They all have strong characters and at times rebellious, so found myself sacrificing a bit of me to fit into them or just see a smile on their a faces or be the good girl so granny can have that one person to rely on amongst the lot of us,convinced myself that if I had approval from these people who were living their lives while I was living for them I would get ahead it worked for a while but eventually rendered me with a low self-esteem.Tried everything read books,watched movies,went to church but had it programmed into me that I am my sisters keeper until a few years ago I went on a christian volunteer programme doing what I know best caring for others but realised I’d had enough,reached breaking point and a pastor said we are all made different,God actually took the time to create each one separately,if we were the same(one size fits all)we would look alike,talk alike or even want the same things but He created each with his/her own purpose. Now I’ll share my truth.IT HURTS TRYING TO FIT IN,ITS FRUSTRATING BEING IN THE BACKGROUND. and I have stopped trying,its too much work,if being me hurts someone let it be,if u don’t like me so be it I’m done searching for approval God loves me as I am flaws and all,he says I am made perfect in your weakness..So yes its OK to be a little soft, a bit more sensitive than the girls. No situation has a quick fix or one size fits all solution and I certainly can’t be that solution. Friends love you when they still approve of your behaviour but when you stop fitting in u will see who your true friends are.truth is the are no quick fixes,I’d still die for my sister and sometimes find myself trying to please someone at my expense but I’m a work in progress…and everyday I do what I want and love. we were made different so I don’t have to fit into your perception of me,just need to be proudly me,a PHENOMINAL,OUT OF THE BOX WOMAN. If we fit good,if we don’t keep walking I don’t need approval to be myself and CERTAINLY DONT NEED PERMISSION.!!

I am not a ONE SIZE FITS ALL shoe

Spent an entire lifetime trying to fit in to that clique or the other,trying my hardest to speak that language,have a particular person like me or approve of me till I realised that in the midst of it all I lost who I really am,forgot my value and self worth just to have a part-time friend.True friends take you as you are,you don’t need to work for approval be a people pleaser,a true friend is bluntly honest no matter what.I have got into soon much trouble trying to fit in till my mom told me to stop trying to fit into situations that don’t fit me.A shoe is not a one size fits all everyone has a particular fit,size and comfortable shape and do friends.True friends fit into ur life without changing who you are SO TODAY I DECALARE IM NOT A ONE SIZE FITS ALL NEITHER AM I A SHOE BUT I AM ME,TROUBLE,SWEET, AND OFTEN COMPLEX BUT ALL THAT MAKES ME ME!